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The Dragon Quest Timeline

(This was written as a joke between me and some Discord friends. It’s garbage. Don’t read it.)

A guy named Erdrick travels the world in a mission to tally up how many half-siblings he has. Along the way, he inadvertantly kills a Baramos and then falls in a hole. He disovers that inside of the planet earth, there all along existed a second world called Alefgard.

There, he beats an evil dude named Zoma and, not being a good climber, decides to stay in Alefgard and takes a wife. They have many children, including a boy named Harrybel. Harrybel becomes a world famous rock climber.

Generations later, a man named The Dragonlord arrives in town, fleeing persecution for adoring the color purple. He builds a castle and he and his pregnant wife settle down. However, his wife is insatiably hungry, so he instructs his pet dragon to kidnap the local princess and fatten her up so that she may have her for dinner. But the local king intervenes and charges a solemn knight named Deek Yu-wan Hiro to rescue his daughter.

Deek does indeed rescue the princess as well as defeat The Dragonlord, leaving his wife and child alone! The princess then forces herself upon the knight and the king declares that the knight shall marry her under threat of execution. The two sail south in search of new lands and have many children. But then they start fighting a lot. Deek ends up leaving Gwaelin and changes his name to Kandar. He wanders around the world for all eternity, eventually traveling to a small town called Orfair, where he trumpet-blasts himself to the moon and becomes king of the bunny girls.

Deek and Gwaelin’s descendants, Cannock, Midenhall, and Moonbrook, go on many adventures and try on many bikinis before defeating the Archfiend Hargon. They even meet The Dragonlord’s daughter, The Dragonlady, who has had such a miserable life that she wishes harm upon no one. Cannock marries the Dragonlady and the two open an armor forge. They craft many beautiful and ornate pieces of armor, but the best, a winged diadem, they save as an heirloom for their firstborn, Agon. Their secondborn is given nothing, so he leaves home and creates his own clan, called The Dragovians. Moonbrook joins a nunnery, and Midenhall changes his name to Midelhov before leaving the known world behind him and searching for new lands. He travels to another continent and founds a kingdom he calls Zamoskva. There he weds a local tribal woman and they have a family.

Harrybel’s descendants are keen on climbing back up to the world above, from which their ancestor fell. They find three holes in the sky. Harrybel the VIII believes they should enter one hole, Erdwin believes they should enter another, and Weaver believes they should enter the third. Unable to unite in their choices, they each scale three separate mountains and practice jumping really high to reach the holes. Harrybel succeeds first and finds himself not in the world of his ancestor, but instead on a lone island in an endless ocean. Unable to get back down, he settles in a small village called Pilchard Bay. Weaver climbs through his hole and finds himself at the base of yet another mountain. In search of more holes, he climbs it. He unfortunately finds nothing and, tired of climbing, he decides to live there for the rest of his life. The locals dub his new home, Weaver’s Peak. Nobody knows what happened to Erdwin. Rumors abound that he was cast back in time or sucked into another dimension. We can only assume he too settled a new land and named it after himself.

The people of Weavers Peak do a lot of things that at least half of the people feel are forgettable. But they do meet Android No 16, an Emo-Sword-Boy and a cool sorceress named Ashylnn. They save the world and historians all agree what a fever dream it was. Emo-Sword-Boy changes his name to Link, the local from Weaver’s Peak grows a tail and travels to other planets, Emo-Sword-Boy’s sister begins her own fashion line because her outfit is just that cool. And Ashlynn makes her parents proud by marrying a Doctor. She and Dr. Agon go on to scion a rather significant bloodline.

Midelhov’s great great great great great great great great great granddaughter, Alena, teams up with a green guy who is like a brother to her and an old man who can’t hear very well. They meet up with another green guy wearing a winged diadem and go on many adventures. Along the way they befriend a large, hairless Tanuki, two strippers, and a man in pink armor that nobody can understand. Together, they seek to eradicate all the emos. After their adventures are complete, the Tanuki returns home to its wife and begins mentoring a young boy named Yangus, the green guy with wings rebuilds his home, the strippers and the pink guy wander off to found a tribe of nomadic Roamers, and Alena realizes the love of her life has always been right there next to her. The old deaf guy ends up in an assisted living facility.

Long after the Wing-Headed Hero and his wife, Eliza, die, their descendants give birth to a really sweet blonde haired girl who everyone loves. Then her parents disappear and a sick man adopts her. He calls her Bianca. Bianca meets a little boy wearing purple, which is totally cool these days because society has progressed and nobody judges people for that anymore. They go on ghost hunts, tame a kitty and she teaches him how to read. It is all so very sweet and wholesome. But then she leaves and it all goes downhill from there.

The boy is now a man, and he assures his psychiatrist that he hasn’t repressed the last decade of his life, he just doesn’t want to talk about it. He plays wingman for his best friend before helping him kill his mom. Then he sets out on his own to find the little girl that he thought about for the past ten years as he cried himself to sleep at night.

He arrives in a quaint little villa where a pasta man tries to sell him his daughter. The purple headed hero says “No thanks” and begins to leave. But then he becomes tempted by depraved fantasies that one only reads about on the internet. It takes all the will the boy can muster to resist being dominated by…these thoughts. But as soon as he lays eyes upon the girl from his childhood, he does resist indeed.

He and Bianca marry and have two children. They meet angels and steal their flying castle then the family live a happy life and absolutely nothing bad happens to them ever. 

Centuries after Harrybel VIII settles Pilchard Bay, his descendant Maribel, orders her subjects, Kiefer and Auster, to investigate the local ruins that nobody else on the island has thought to explore. Within these ruins, the three are transported back in time where they learn that there once was many neighboring islands where now there exists only an endless ocean.

Maribel commands her servants to do god’s work in unsealing these islands from time and changing their future. One of the islands is home to the Roamers, an ancient tribe of nomads that was established by a Pink Soldier and some Strippers. It is here that Kiefer escapes his life of slavery and marries one of the Roamers. Auster is forced to return to the future with Maribel alone.

But then an actual adult, named Melvin, finds the duo and tells Maribel to stay the fuck home. Auster continues the mission as a free man, accompanied by the holy knight Melvin. They meet Kiefer’s descendent, Aishe, and together they kill the devil.

Many centuries after the Dragovians settle their home in the mountains, one of their descendants, Hachi, and his pet mouse saves the world with the Tanuki’s Apprentice, Yoda and a horse. They also meet a huge flying bird who says she’s from Erdrick’s world. But nobody knows who that is anymore. History is ethereal. We are all but dust in the wind.

The angels are mega-pissed about their castle being stolen, so they build an even bigger flying castle but make the wise decision to never land it on the earth. A lot of people – I mean a lot – team up with each other to help restless spirits like the Wight Knight, and eventually save the world. With the world now safe, this multitude of heroes begin digging out grottoes in the ground in search of treasure and monsters. There are so many holes that roads become impassable. Civilization breaks down and gives rise to the apocalypse.

Many aeons later, the same world is reshaped and all life is reformed into six different races. Nothing and no one from the old world survives, except for Kandar. Kandar has outlived all. Like a walking monolith to humanity he wanders the earth until he meets a race of furry little cuties whose disposition is so sweet, it lifts him out of his disillusionment. He hops into a magic trumpet and goes to the moon.

Historians all agree that there is too damn much to recount from this period. In short, the hero is a hot girl this time and she is helped by a literal army of party members. They save many worlds many times.

The most significant event from this time involves the bunny girl uprising the defeat of Kandar. The bunny girls learn how to cast spells. Unfortunately they did not foresee that collectively casting Kaboom would destroy the moon.

Following the destruction of the moon, a young squirrel named Cyril is hit by magical waves and thrust far back in time. It is there that he falls in love with a beautiful princess named Mona. For her love, he does many heroic deeds and is knighted by the King of Stornyway. In competition for Cyril’s love is Morag, an evil witch who has a thing for pink rodents. Cyril rejects Morag. Spurned, she curses him with a zombified appearance that he must live with for all eternity. Fortunately for this Wight Knight, one of the pissed off angels kills Morag and sets Cyril free from the curse.

Far away, across time, space, and all other dimensions, a noble hero wearing purple robes marries his childhood sweetheart after saving the world. Unfortunately, it seems that the people of Erdrea (that sounds familiar..) are quite prejudiced against men wearing the color purple and turn on their hero.

Fleeing harsh judgements and fashion bigotry, this hero takes his expectant wife and leaves Erdrea far behind them. They sail away to a new kingdom, where he seeks to give his family whatever they desire.

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