I don’t know when it started, but my earliest memory of wanting to be a writer was in third grade. My teacher gave us a project where we had to write a story to match some printed out drawings and form our own book from it. She knew it would be something I was interested in when she gave us the instructions.
I’ve never been good at maintaining the consistency necessary to make a real go at it unfortunately. I participated in NaNoWriMo 2007, my largest writing accomplishment ever at only 53,000 words, and then struggled to finish anything afterwards. I started a couple of novels the years followed, but lacked the self-awareness to realize how much time it would take my writing to develop from there. At some point I plainly gave up on the dream, believing that I had gone so long without practice that there was no point in starting again. I began to suspect that writing was just a childhood fancy that I was never really cut out for. I’ve never had a knack for recall, making it difficult to draw up on words when needed during the writing process. Writing was meant for people with quicker wits and better educations.
But in 2019 I felt the itch again. I don’t remember what it was that triggered it precisely. I was looking at the old novel I wrote for NaNo, but I’m not sure why. When looking at it, I thought I should have a hardcopy printed up for my personal library, seeing as it was the only work I’d actually finished. So I did just that. And when the hardback arrived, I gave it a read.
It was about as terrible as you can imagine it would be. So I decided to rewrite it for NaNoWriMo 2019. And, believe it or not, I actually finished that project as well. Afterwards, instead of launching directly into an edit of the book, I decided to work on a new project about an interstellar mafia organization featuring aliens, politics, and weird sci-fi plots. But, then COVID happened and I got really busy with work and didn’t feel much like writing anymore.
Which leads me to today. I’ve been so distracted from writing ever since 2020. I can’t never get more than a paragraph down at a time every few months or so. At work or in the car, I might have all these ideas bouncing around in my head but as soon as I enter my home, I’m bombarded with distractions. I could make the excuse that my family needs attention and of course, that is a big sink for my time. But when I’ve free time, I’m doing anything other than writing. My phone is a bmhuge distraction, which is a sentiment I’m sure most can relate to or at least empathize with. My office is a no-go for any kind of writing task because there are far too many cool computer things for me to do in there (photo editing, video editing, linux updates, etc).
When I think back to late 2019/early 2020, my success with maintaining consistency was due to being obsessed with my story. I thought about it 24/7. Every single conversation, piece of media, accident on the highways, curve of butter in my toast would make me think of an event that could occur in my story. It drove me crazy and I was quite honestly getting sick of it. But it was effective. I don’t like the idea that the only way I can be productive at something I want to do is to become obsessed by it.
Does this mean I’m not meant to be a writer? Should it be easier to just slip into the process? Or do I just lack willpower that everyone else mysteriously seems to have?
